Chemotherapy and Staying Positive

The week after my third chemo, I began a new stage in my cancer discovery process. I found out that I was going to have to choose four chemo treatments or eight. My case was in a “gray zone” of grade three (aggressive) and HER2 negative, and suddenly offered a more hopeful outlook within the aggressive class.
And I realized that sooner than I had dared hope, chemo would be over and radiation therapy could begin. Four months of treatment had been chopped off – if I dared to stand by my medical oncologist’s opinion and choose to ignore the tumor board’s recommendation that because I had asked for their opinion, they were going to stick with the “guidelines” that insist on more and different medications in a second round of chemotherapy.
Somehow, the thought that I could return to a normal life sooner than I had expected to triggered a huge depression. Yup, that’s right – sounds wacky but it was true. It took me three weeks to realize what had happened: all of my old worries had come crashing in again. All of my old fears for the future, our very serious financial dilemma, my fear of being old and poor, of losing our home, never having had a meaningful career, all came down on me with the same old pressure, added to which was my newfound anxiety about the cancer returning some day. And my fear of dying a slow and painful death some day seemed almost guaranteed, now that I had had cancer.
Having the cancer had placed me in a special frame of mind, where what mattered was getting the most out of each day, of being kind and understanding, of being brave. When you are fighting for your life right now, tomorrow seems much farther away. I had been doing my best to always, or almost always, be upbeat and strong and determined. I had only rarely cried.
Now I cried. Damn it, why should I have to beat cancer if I was only going to return to the same miserable old grind, the same terrifying dilemma? It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t bloody fair.
Then a thought struck. Was there a way to harness my cancer-born positivity and determination to help me find a way – heck, bulldoze a way – into a better life? Could my newfound courage help me find a way to fix my life and turn it around?

Legal Stuff

Resources

I have been so grateful to have had access to web-based support groups and to breast cancer information. Here's a list of Web Resources that helped me. If you know of other good ones, please e-mail me and I will add them to the list.

Wonderful Books

Here's a short list of books that I found helpful after I was diagnosed with breast cancer. As soon as I can I'll add to the list and I'll post some reviews, as well.

Walk-a-thon 2007

Every year, the Weekend to End Breast Cancer http://www.endcancer.ca raises tens of millions of dollars for breast cancer research, in several major cities across the country. Within each participating city, a carefully selected hospital receives valuable funding for research and facilities. Each Walker raises a minimum of $2000 for the privilege of walking 60 kilometres over a two-day weekend. Thousands of volunteers across the country donate their time, not only on the days of the event, but also on days training for their part in it. I made this Walk in 2005, not even a year after my treatment, volunteered in 2006 and have done so again for 2007.

I strongly urge you to become involved with this event or others like it. They are enormously uplifting, and you will come away with great memories etched into your heart. With each donation from my sponsors, I wondered if this could be the money that would fund a cure, because I do believe that we will find a cure.