Fear of Recurrence

One of the really lousy things about breast cancer is that you never know if it will return or not. So you learn to live your life in one of two ways: !- You learn to live one day at a time and you forget, to some extent, that you now have what is called a chronic illness. 2- You live in constant terror. In most cases, women learn to take the first of the two options. After all, we have been following something all our lives. We follow our parents, we follow our friends, and some of us follow their own instincts. Tonight, I realized that I may some day die of metastatic breast disease. It may move to my skin, or my chest wall, to my liver or my bones. It may move to my lungs or my uterus.... But that is maybe and someday. Today I have to walk the dog, prepare the meals, do a bit of housework, and rest. In a couple of months, I will have to return to a job that I loathe but now must try hard to keep, because it provides vital insurance coverage.

Your life is now colored by tests and anxiety, unless you have the enviable ability to block all of that out. You may learn to meditate. You may try new experiences that you feared to try before, because facing the demon of cancer gives you new courage. If I begin to feel afraid of something other than cancer, I recall Audre Lorde's words:

"What is there possibly left for us to be afraid of, after we have dealt face to face with death and not embraced it? Once I accept the existence of dying, as a life process, who can ever have power over me again?"

Your doctor will be able to provide you with statistics, if that is what you crave. I did, at first. I had to swallow the fact that statistically, I had about an 80% chance of being alive in 5 years. I did not like those numbers very much. I had been through surgery, chemotherapy, and radiation, and was now taking Tamoxifen, along with Effexor for depression, and Temazepam to help me sleep. My asthma had gone haywire since the beginning of chemo, and I had to live with that, as well. My husband and I had huge fianacial problems. I needed to be able to help, to deal with life. I did not need to have cancer still hanging over my head.

So, I find myself doing what we all do, putting my fear on the back burner, turned down to a simmer. I do my monthly BSE (Breast Self Examination) more often than once a month, more like weekly. I participate in an online breast cancer support board because I cannot get to any in-person associations. But when I am feeling bad about certain life situations, I have to remind myself that I have cancer, because I need to eat properly, and to rest. Exercise helps with stress, and studies have shown that women who exercise half an hour a day live longer than those who exercise more sporadically.

The chance of recurrence is a reality. So is getting hit by a bus. So we take what precautions we can, and get on with our lives.

Legal Stuff

Resources

I have been so grateful to have had access to web-based support groups and to breast cancer information. Here's a list of Web Resources that helped me. If you know of other good ones, please e-mail me and I will add them to the list.

Wonderful Books

Here's a short list of books that I found helpful after I was diagnosed with breast cancer. As soon as I can I'll add to the list and I'll post some reviews, as well.

Walk-a-thon 2007

Every year, the Weekend to End Breast Cancer http://www.endcancer.ca raises tens of millions of dollars for breast cancer research, in several major cities across the country. Within each participating city, a carefully selected hospital receives valuable funding for research and facilities. Each Walker raises a minimum of $2000 for the privilege of walking 60 kilometres over a two-day weekend. Thousands of volunteers across the country donate their time, not only on the days of the event, but also on days training for their part in it. I made this Walk in 2005, not even a year after my treatment, volunteered in 2006 and have done so again for 2007.

I strongly urge you to become involved with this event or others like it. They are enormously uplifting, and you will come away with great memories etched into your heart. With each donation from my sponsors, I wondered if this could be the money that would fund a cure, because I do believe that we will find a cure.